A person sitting in a chair with a tangled line illustration around their head, symbolizing the confusion and intense emotions experienced during the anger stage of grief.

Coping With the Anger Stage: Strategies for Managing Intense Emotions

Anger is a powerful emotion. It can feel overwhelmingly intense, particularly while we’re grieving. Many try to avoid anger – by pushing it down or ignoring its existence. Anger, as an emotion, tends to have a bad reputation. Anger within itself is not negative. It’s how we manage it that matters.

Experiencing anger while grieving is an inevitable experience. As coined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, anger is a vital part of the five stages of grief. If you’re unfamiliar with the five stages of grief, they are as follows:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

These stages are not linear, meaning it’s common to bounce around from stage to stage. Everyone’s grieving process will look different – and there’s no way to determine how long each stage may last for you.

Anger as an Emotion

As mentioned above, anger tends to carry a bad reputation. It’s often associated with rage, yelling, or confrontation. Anger though, at its core, is simply covering up pain. Anger can be used as a direction to show us what is hurting. It’s important to note that experiencing anger is not inherently a negative experience. It’s actually incredibly important to let out our anger in a healthy, productive way.

Sometimes, people try to avoid their anger or keep it all inside. Some people may feel guilty for feeling anger while grieving, but it’s a completely normal experience. It’s okay to be angry at the loss of a loved one. It’s okay to be angry that they’re gone. Give yourself permission to feel your anger at its fullest, so you can move through it.

Remember: Anger often acts as a mask for other emotions, meaning anger typically covers up pain or despair.

Symptoms of Anger

While you’re grieving, it may be difficult to identify what emotions you’re experiencing. This is because grief encompasses many emotions such as anger, sadness, despair, guilt, confusion, and more. We’re best able to support ourselves when we have a good understanding of how we’re feeling.

Here are some common symptoms and signs of experiencing anger while grieving:

  • Intense emotions
  • Emotional numbness or bluntness
  • Irritability
  • Feeling a loss of control over your thoughts or actions
  • Intense anxiety 
  • Behavioral overreactions 
  • Self-harm behaviors
  • Short temper or fuse
  • Increased verbal or behavioral aggression 
  • Difficulty identifying emotions
  • Physical manifestations of stress such as increased heart rate or high blood pressure

Do any of these sound familiar? If so, you may be experiencing the anger stage of grief. It’s also common to fantasize about revenge, obsess over the loss and circumstances regarding it, and feel like life isn’t fair. We may feel angry towards medical professionals who we feel failed our loved ones. We may feel angry at the lost loved one themselves. We may feel angry at ourselves for perceived shortcomings. 

It’s important to understand that all of this is a common, normal reaction to grief.

Strategies for Managing Anger

As we’ve identified, anger is an intense emotion. It can feel uncomfortable, overwhelming, and all-consuming. That’s why it’s important to manage our anger in a healthy way. The longer we avoid or ignore our anger, the more intense it will become. Unaddressed anger can also lead to long-term mental or physical health issues.

Everyone experiences anger and grief differently. Finding a coping strategy that specifically works for you is crucial in navigating anger. Here are some ideas to help manage anger associated with grief:

  • Yell it Out: Yelling or shouting your frustrations can go a long way. When we keep things bottled inside, they become more intense. Freely expressing our anger helps us relieve it from our bodies. Find a private location and express your emotions to the fullest.
  • Cry it Out: As we have mentioned, anger usually leads to pain. Pain can become so intense that it morphs into anger. When we allow ourselves to freely cry it out, we’re helping move anger out of our bodies.
  • Practice Breathing Exercises: Breathing exercises are powerful tools to help us regulate our emotions. When we take a moment to slow down our breath, it sends calming signals to our brain. Box breathing (4-second inhale, 4-second hold, 4-second exhale, 4-second hold) is a great breathing technique to try the next time your anger feels overwhelming.
  • Get Creative: Anger can be turned into something beautiful. Grab a canvas, blank sheet of paper, clay, or any other art item of your choice and express your anger creatively. You can draw or paint your anger or turn your thoughts into poems or songs. The options are endless.
  • Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness is all about the present moment. It’s about slowing down our thought processes and movements to fully experience the present moment. Mindfulness practices such as meditation or yoga help keep you grounded.
  • Seek Support: If you’re struggling with intense anger, it may be beneficial to seek out support. This can be loved ones, friends, family, or romantic partners. You may also look into grief counseling with a mental health professional.