Young woman walking alone on an empty road, symbolizing the journey of coping with trauma, abuse, and the path to parental estrangement.

Repressed Memories and Hard Decisions: My Path to Parental Estrangement

TW: trauma, abuse.

Even if I attempted to recount my teenage years in a meager amount of detail, I wouldn’t be able to. It scares me to know that I have severe gaps in my memory from the ages of 13-17, which is likely due to a subconscious coping mechanism of repressing years of trauma. Screaming, threats of violence and actual violence were nothing unusual in my childhood home, but something changed during my teenage years. As I grew into a young woman, my father simply couldn’t fathom the prospect of my sexual maturation. On some level, it’s perfectly natural for parents to be protective of their children within the realm of sex, but his behavior superseded anything normal. There were multiple times that I was severely reprimanded for innocuous things like being interested in a boy, ranging from being pushed down the stairs to being shunned for an entire year, with zero communication, despite living in the same house as my father.

I was in a constant state of fight-or-flight during these years and consequently, there wasn’t much room for empathizing with my father’s situation. As I grew up, information was revealed to me that peeled back the layers of what made him the man he was, including living through a violent military dictatorship in his home country and enduring multiple types of abuse into his early adult life. 

We unequivocally trust our parents when we’re young because they are all we know. Then you grow up and realize that nobody knows what the hell they’re doing and we’re all just figuring things out as we go. Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, so mistakes are inevitable. But being the child of a parent with a complicated history of trauma doesn’t come with a manual either.

What causes estrangement from parents in the first place?

The decision to cut contact with a parent is not a light one by any means. Estrangement is more often than not a gradual process, and though it may be catalyzed by one particular event, it is usually not a snap decision. As one author puts it, it’s usually a decision “decades in the making.”

Some circumstances that lead to the decision to cut ties with a parent may include:

  • Emotional, psychological, financial, or physical abuse
  • Neglect
  • Fundamentally incompatible values
  • Intolerance or unacceptance of identity (for instance, LGBTQ+ identities) 
  • Mental health issues

Parental estrangement as an adult

Being estranged from a parent during childhood undoubtedly has a plethora of negative consequences, but unfortunately, things are still complicated for adults in this position. One literature review found that adults who are estranged from a parent experience reduced levels of psychological well-being, feelings of loss, and experiences and/or perceptions of stigma.

When you are a child, the dynamic between you and your parents is quite involuntary. Your tolerance for mistreatment at this age is due to the fact that they are all you know and have. As we age, we have the freedom to put an end to abusive, chaotic, or tumultuous relationships with our parents. If you’ve made the extremely difficult decision to protect yourself by cutting ties with a parent, it’s expected that you’ll experience some level of grief, but it may hit you at unexpected times. Seeking support from trusted loved ones or a professional is absolutely essential for navigating this journey.

Should I reconnect with my estranged parent?

There is no easy answer to this. The truth is that it may take years of therapy to unpack what you endured and process your emotions before you can make a sound decision. However, not all of us have this luxury. If you feel as though your time on earth with your parent may be coming to an end, there may be more pressure to make a decision of whether to reconcile your relationship with them or not. 

Without making such a sensitive matter too sterile, I would suggest doing a cost-benefit analysis of the situation. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • At this point in your life, how would you benefit from reconnecting with your parent? Would it bring you peace? Or would it cause unnecessary stress and turmoil, potentially making things worse for both parties?
  • Do you believe that you have done enough inner work and are equipped with the right tools to cope with the possibility of things going awry during an attempted reconciliation?
  • Are you at peace with the fact that you may never get an apology? 
  • If a parent is not accepting of your identity, is there a possibility they would ever change their mind? If not, can you live with that? 
  • If you are a parent, do you want them to have a relationship with your children?

If you believe you are still in a position of severe emotional and mental vulnerability, it’s important to make the decision that is best for your mental health. However, if you’re still on the fence about extending an olive branch to your parent, seek a professional opinion about the circumstances of your specific situation.