The Role of Family Dynamics in the Grieving Process

Explore How Different Family Structures and Relationships Influence the Way Individuals Grieve

Have you ever thought about how we, as individuals, grieve? You’ll notice that no two people grieve the same way. While some may cope through substances or avoidance, others seek therapy and open communication. These varied responses to loss are influenced not just by our personalities or life experiences, but by our family dynamics and upbringing. Have you ever wondered how your family’s way of managing emotions shapes your grieving process?

How Does Your Family Cope and What Does That Have to Do with You?

Reflect on your family members and the family unit as a whole. What were the implicit or explicit rules regarding emotions in your household? Did your family encourage open discussions and collaborative problem-solving? Or did one person take on the emotional burden for everyone else? Perhaps emotions were not meant to be discussed at all and if they were, there were consequences. These family rules play a crucial part in shaping how you manage emotions and cope with loss today.

For instance, if you grew up in a family where emotional expression was discouraged, you might find yourself struggling to articulate your feelings, shutting down or pushing others away during times of grief. On the other hand, if your family practiced open communication, you might feel more comfortable seeking support and sharing your emotions with others. 

I’m thinking of someone who grew up in a household feeling responsible for the emotions of the family unit. This was implicitly taught to them through others consistently going to them for help, needing them to problem solve and to help them emotionally regulate. When a death occurred in this family, this person felt like they had to be “the strong one,” so that they could support everyone else during this time. What they learned, without anyone saying as much, is that their emotions come second, and that if they were to break, the family could not function without them.

The rules that are unconsciously learned about what is acceptable or unacceptable stay with you throughout your lifetime unless brought into consciousness to examine. Sometimes by simply observing how the family reacts to things allows for you to see those rules.

What did you learn about acceptable ways to cope with loss from the family?

You’ve Identified the Roots of How You Cope: Now What?

Now that you’ve identified how the family plays a role in how you’ve learned to grieve, you might be wondering what to do with this information. The first step is to maintain awareness. Is it possible to keep this knowledge in awareness so that when you start to manage emotions in the familiar, but unprepared, way you can try to do something differently? For example, if you normally shut down when something upsets you, what would it be like to instead write about it or text a friend? There is no leap from managing one way to all of a sudden managing another, but can you find the steps in between and give them a try? Sometimes even the acknowledgment of what might be occurring can be enough.

Another option would be to continue observing the family and how they cope while getting curious about it. How do you make sense of the way of the family grieves and try to better understand the purpose it serves. This can give more of a choice in how grief occurs for you, rather than what feels like needs to happen in order to follow unconscious rules.

If both of these approaches feel daunting or unattainable, seeking the guidance of a therapist could be beneficial. A therapist can provide the tools and support needed to navigate emotions and develop different coping mechanisms. While it’s challenging to teach yourself skills you’ve never had access to, with awareness and effort, it’s possible to change the way you cope with grief.