It was August of 2009. I was getting ready to head to freshman orientation at my high school. As we were preparing to leave, I briefly heard something about a rising freshman at my high school being involved in an accident, but I didn’t catch the whole story. I hadn’t heard anything from my friends about anything happening to anyone we knew, so I just brushed it off and headed out the door.
A Heartbreaking Announcement
When we arrived at orientation, my mom and I found some of my friends and sat with them. Our principal stood up to welcome everyone and explain how the morning was going to go. Then, he suddenly got very somber and serious. He announced that one of our classmates had been in a car accident the night before and had passed away early that morning. I looked at my friend sitting next to me, and she told me who it was. Her name was Jordan, and I had known her since kindergarten. We weren’t exactly best friends, but I liked her and was deeply saddened to hear of her passing. Extra guidance counselors from the other schools in the area were around in case anybody needed to talk. Seeing so many of my classmates crying in the halls was not how I expected to start my first year of high school.
Mourning Together
To say the days that followed were difficult would be an understatement. Fellow students of our high school hosted a candlelight vigil in the football stadium to honor Jordan, pray for her family, and pray for the two students who had been in the car with her and were in critical condition. The night before Jordan’s funeral, they held the visitation/viewing in the gym at her family’s church. My mom and I went, and I’ll never forget the looks on the faces of my classmates and former teachers. I’d never seen my teachers cry before. It was a very surreal experience. Jordan was very popular at school and in the community, so there were tons of people and we had to wait in a line that would rival Space Mountain. Surprisingly, I held it together pretty well…that is until I got to her family. As soon as I looked at her mom’s face, I lost it.
A Gray Day of Goodbye
On the day of the funeral, the weather matched the mood. It was gray and rainy. Before the service, there was a slideshow of photos of Jordan. To this day, I can’t hear Whatever It Is by Zac Brown Band without thinking of that slideshow. Honestly, I don’t remember much of the actual service. I was too busy trying to put on a brave face so I wouldn’t embarrass myself by crying in front of my classmates. Looking back, I should not have worried about what my classmates would think and just let myself express my feelings. If I had realized then that I wouldn’t see or speak to 99% of those people after high school, I probably wouldn’t have cared so much. After the funeral, a friend’s mom gave me a ride back over to my mom’s work. I skipped the burial, mostly because I didn’t have a way to get there, but I also knew my fourteen-year-old heart would not have handled it well. It’s been almost fifteen years, and I still haven’t been able to bring myself to her grave.
Honoring Jordan’s Memory
Four years later, at our graduation, we honored Jordan one last time as a class. At our graduation ceremony, one chair was left empty where she would have sat. When we were walking across the stage to receive diplomas, her name was called, and we all stood up for a moment of silence. Our way of showing that she was not, and never will be, forgotten.
Finding Ways to Remember
This coming August will mark 15 years since Jordan’s passing. While I don’t think I grieved in the healthiest ways when I was 14, I have worked through it by finding small ways to honor her. I’m Catholic, and in the Catholic Church we believe in praying for the souls of the dead, regardless of how long it has been since they passed, so I include Jordan, as well as her family, in my prayers regularly. Jordan played on our school volleyball team, so I think of her anytime I pick up a volleyball and hope I made her proud when I played in the Staff v. Student volleyball games at the school I used to work at. I’m not the best athlete, but when we played in PE or at volleyball camp, Jordan was always very encouraging, so I like to think, in some way, she was there with my students cheering me on.
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