Whether you want it or not, divorce is hard and can leave you feeling lost…
The life you were living, the identity you had is gone, who are you now? Leaving a marriage whether by choice or not by your choice can leave you lost and reeling, finding yourself in a life you no longer recognize as your own. You can suddenly be launched into a life, starting on your own again. Asking who I am without this person I loved so much, without my family, without the title I identified with for so long. You start to question everything, what you could have done differently, where did it go so wrong? Finding yourself after being in a meaningful relationship can be hard but also freeing. Navigating through the loss of divorce can be scary and difficult, to say the least, but some little things can move you forward step by step.
Make different decisions
The freedom to make tiny tweaks or huge moves led me to freedom and find confidence in the new me. The freedom to make a different decision!
I realized I did not enjoy busy mornings with a strict morning routine. Slowly I turned my mornings into lazy quiet mornings filled with meditation, a good cup of coffee and reflection on my intentions for the day. This small shift that I craved prior, filled me with calm and I learned to embrace the solitude I had so desperately craved during my marriage. Quiet calm mornings before kids got out of bed became my most cherished time. The solitude calmed my soul and I felt that spark of the old me again. I could plan my day, make my schedule, and find fun things to do that brought me new laughter and joy.
It doesn’t come all at once when you find yourself alone and lost, but different decisions can lead you back to yourself again. Tweaking my new routine and flexibility towards my own family and what worked and didn’t work for me more naturally, gave me a freedom I didn’t know I needed.
Calling a different repairman or shopping at a different grocery store led me to trust new people and enjoy new places that I suddenly felt like I had missed. Making new decisions helped me to trust myself, cracking me open to the idea that there was not ‘a right decision’ but rather that I could make a decision for myself.
Make the next best decision
Not all decisions are great, some lead down the wrong path and are painful.
In learning to make new decisions I learned it’s also one decision. Some were bad, some led to further financial distress, unhappy kids, or an unhappy me. On the flip side, some decisions cracked me open helping me feel new and exciting, allowing me to discover different people or experiences.
Every decision was mine. I had nobody to lean on, nobody to blame when it didn’t work out. When I overpaid for a service or got myself into a situation I couldn’t easily get out of- it taught me to be thoughtful and patient and make a new decision.
Learning to lean on myself and feel the consequences of my actions, slowly built a new trust in myself. I learned to be kind to myself when things turned South and that turning North again is just one decision away. Detours often lead to better places that wouldn’t have happened without that wrong turn.
The trust I had to learn to build in myself helped me to see that I was capable. I can live life on my own terms. Although big decisions that turn bad can lead you down the rabbit hole of how did I let this happen, it takes making your next best move into moving yourself towards a more positive direction. Detours are where the spice of life and learning lives, and where life starts to feel vibrant again!
Remembering you are still a whole person…ALL BY YOURSELF!
The reality of day-to-day life though is that you need to find ways to redefine relationships. For example, you and your ex-husband may need to navigate shared finances. Finding ways to disentangle things from your “past life” and to support your children as you learn to potentially co-raise them will be challenging at times. As you navigate these new challenges, be mindful of the decisions that best support your new life, while maintaining healthy boundaries for everyone involved.
With time and space, you learn to breathe again. You learn to redefine relationships to support everyone better. Grief in divorce may show up at numerous times. Be patient with yourself as you face tears and deep reflection. Remember that you will also start to feel joy and freedom.
Each day is a new opportunity to reflect and find a new sense of sparkle to fill your day. Life is 50/50, even in marriage. Being divorced also lends true to life being 50/50. But there is life in being on your own again and remembering that you are still you and you deserve to be a whole person. Divorce doesn’t have to be shameful or embarrassing. You can reclaim your title that you are a person independent of your life experiences and turn that old term ‘divorcee’ into ‘I experienced a divorce and that’s just a piece of my story’.
When you are in the middle of it, it is painful and sometimes excruciating, but luckily life does move on and time shows you it’s just a piece of your story. This is your story- it can still be a beautiful piece of your story.
Making the next best decision leads to new stories, new joys in life, new experiences you weren’t even looking for.
Life does give you life after divorce and sometimes you find it’s even more sparkly on the other side.
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