How to Still Show up as a Leader While Grieving 

Laura is a charge nurse who often works with patients and families who are experiencing grief. When someone dies on her shift, she is usually responsible for talking to the family and helping them understand what has occurred. This has typically been fine for Laura, as she has gotten used to this process, until recently when someone in her family was diagnosed with cancer. As Laura has been processing her own grief, she has noticed that it has become increasingly hard to be around others when they are also experiencing loss. 

While everyone is not in the same position as Laura, where you are faced with death daily, it can be a common occurrence for people to have to go back to leadership roles while still grieving. Fortunately, there are some things you can do to ease back into work and to cope with navigating this incredibly difficult process.

Communicating What You Need

Most workplaces do not give extended time off for the loss of someone you love. Depending on your company’s bereavement policy, you could be expected back at your job within days or weeks. While this may sound like enough time to have a funeral or make needed arrangements for the deceased, it is not likely a long enough time to fully grieve.

When you inevitably end up back at work, it is important that you communicate what you need in your grieving process. You may want to speak to your director or supervisor to see what you can cut back on, while at the same time being clear about what you can manage presently. Talking about your grief allows others to know what to expect and keeps an open line of communication in case you are unable to perform at your best. While this may only be an option for some jobs, you should consider what boundaries you can set and who you need to speak to in order for them to be properly received.

Leaning on Supports

Ideally, you can lean on support at your job so others can take on tasks or fulfill roles that you cannot do at this time. However, that may only sometimes be an option. It is important to lean on support outside of work as you grieve. This may look like texting a friend for check-ins throughout the day or having something set up for after work to look forward to. Whatever this looks like for you, you should be open with others about your process and lean on them.

Knowing Your Limits

Some people have extremely demanding jobs where they need to show up a certain way, even when they don’t feel their best. If this applies to you, you must know your limits. I would compare this to being tired at work when your job is to operate heavy machinery. If there is a possibility that you could fall asleep while on the job, you should find a way to get some rest instead. Even though this isn’t always ideal, sometimes it is needed so worse damage is not done.

To avoid the above scenario, you should find time to check in with yourself to understand the limitations you might have during this time. If you are a charge nurse like Laura, you may know that you cannot be the one to deliver news about death at this time. If you are restful and may not be at full capacity while operating machinery, you will need to find additional time to rest or find modifications in your routine to feel more energized before coming to work.

Here are a few ways you might prioritize check-ins with yourself:

• Morning journaling. This can invite you to notice what you’re thinking and feeling at the beginning of your day. You can then adjust accordingly.
• Midday body scans. This is a grounding exercise that asks you to pause and mentally scan each part of your body to see what you might be sitting with and where any tension might be in your body.
• Check ins. You might check in with yourself by setting an alarm or asking someone to text you at a certain time of the day to just allow yourself to sit and think about how you’re doing. Are you taking on too much? Are you feeling hungry or tired? Do you need a break?

While there is no blanket statement or overarching rule that applies to every single job, it is up to you to know how you will be able to perform your best at work. Sometimes this could even include taking FMLA or some other form of leave to continue healing and caring for yourself until you are ready to get back to work.

Taking Care of Yourself

It is important to remember that you are not able to show up as an effective leader if you are neglecting your own needs. Therefore, the most important piece of this process is taking care of yourself. Use the above suggestions to set boundaries, check in with what you need, and lean on your community of support. If you do not take care of yourself in the process, you may end up projecting onto others or becoming burnt out and crashing. 

You can still show up as a leader while grieving, but first, you need to show up for yourself.