…While They Are Still Here.
When my Dad died it felt like we lost my Mom too. Time stopped for her at that very moment, the grief of losing him too much. They had been together more than 50 years and had melted into one person each needing the other half. The day my Dad died, time trapped my mom in a never-ending cycle of grief. Dementia grew to hold my mom there and kept her trapped in the loss of love, never to be the same again.
Mom asked for Dad over and over again, an endless, heart-wrenching, tortured grief that was on a daily repeat. Getting dressed for the funeral over and over, multiple sobbing phone calls a day reminding her, yes he had passed away. Grief turned into midnight phone calls and flashlights in the midnight hours looking for Dad and why he hadn’t come home.
When time stopped for her it also stopped for us, it kept us locked in the grief of losing our Dad over and over with her. It kept us locked in losing our Mom to the only moments she now remembered. Dementia became a cruel game that life gives you- one that couldn’t be won.
Self-care diminished, phone calls startling you at all hours of the night, sobbing and talking only of her wanting to be with him became the only interaction of the parent you no longer knew. Without her long-term partner, she was lost entirely. Her only focus was being with him. Joy became hard to find and on the rare occasion you could- she’d call within the hour with more questions reminding you she didn’t even remember you were there.
It’s been 2 years and it’s like we lost them both yesterday. Learning to navigate your relationship with a person you love so deeply can be hard. Losing your parent(s) seems to be a natural course of life. Losing your parent while you still have them has been a new sort of loss.
Dementia surprisingly has also brought moments of pure joy- bright blue eyes filled with excitement like a child. A new side of my Mom I’d never seen when she planned adventures for us and how we would sneak away and not tell anybody. A favorite meal shared like it’s the first time she’s ever tasted something so good. Painful endless questions about your own life, that provide new insights into yourself and a new self-reflection you weren’t asking for. The love for one person can bring an entire family together to figure out the next steps and a new reality with the parent we used to know.
Dementia can steal life and in its place, you create a new life and wait to see how it unfolds. What lessons you will learn, how to love a little deeper, and the reminder that loved ones are not yours forever? Dementia reminds you that we are not actually in charge of anything, rather reminds you to hold on to time and embrace what you have today and who you love the most.
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