Living With – And Through – Intense Grief

Have you ever felt like you were drowning?

It’s a startling feeling. It begins with you feeling as if you have no control over your body and your surroundings. That alone is unsettling but the feeling of drowning only grows more terrifying as it goes on. You feel like you’re sinking like everything around you is getting dark and pressing down on you. You are not able to propel yourself upward or concentrate. Every thought and ounce of energy is devoted to survival and it’s truly impossible to let your mind even remotely focus on something else.

For some, grief can feel similar to drowning because when it hits you, it hits you hard. And when that occurs, it feels as if anything else but grieving is truly impossible. Going to work? Not happening. Spending time with friends? Impossible. Even doing daily tasks like cleaning or bathing yourself feels out of reach when you are truly in the throes of deep grief.

But here’s the thing about grieving: you’re not the first person to go through this. In fact, billions of people have experienced the same feelings that you have. Grief is a normal response to feel when you experience loss.  Billions have been able to push through the grief, process it, grow from it, and propel their lives into their next chapters. It is something that has happened since the beginning of time.

Does that make you feel better or worse about the feelings of powerlessness that wash over you during intense periods of grief? That’s not clear. But rest assured that there is a way to have a functioning life even when your world seems to be falling apart.

Our lives don’t stop when grief strikes. Losing a loved one never happens at opportune times. There is no such thing as an opportune time to feel the devasting depth of grief. And yet, we are tasked with continuing to live. Yes, we may take some time off from work and we may want to lean on our friends and family more, but we are still obligated to keep living, breathing, and moving forward in life.

Yet, in the midst of very serious grief, that feels not only improbable but truly impossible.

How is it done? How can you live as you battle this level of grief?

The most important thing you can do is give yourself time to feel it all. And, yes, there is a lot that will wash over you. Your days will be consumed with the weight of whatever life crisis you are moving through. If it’s the passing of someone close to you, you’ll have to make funeral arrangements and possibly travel. If you’re grieving due to the end of a relationship, you’ll likely have to find a new place to live and inform your friends and family of the change. There is always something to do and when the day is done, you’ll want nothing more than to collapse into bed and just sleep. For days, ideally. And, that is okay.

But you cannot give in to the beguiling tricks when grief leads to other feelings such as depression or anxiety. Like depression, grief can become big and consuming. It can consume all of your attention and feed on it. Sometimes it may feel as if grief is a living, breathing thing that wants to continue surviving and thriving. In that sense, it could seem like it doesn’t want you to work through it but instead allows itself to fester inside you forever.

Therefore, honestly examining and understanding what you’re feeling is even more important. The only way out of grief and depression is through it. And the only way through it is to let you come to terms with it. Let yourself cry, let yourself feel sad, let the memories – bittersweet and painful as they could be – wash over you. Sit with it, even when it’s tough. Sit with it and accept the feelings that come with it, knowing that this is all part of the process of grieving. It won’t always be this way.

That’s a vital thing that you need to do when you are attempting to live with grief. In many ways, it’s the easiest because the emotions will come naturally if you let them flow through you. The rest of the things you need to do isn’t nearly as easy.

For example, another tool required to live through grief while still having a relatively normal life is maintaining the relationships you have in your life. Friends, family, and the people you turn to for so many things are the same people you’ll want to turn to when you’re dealing with grief. Take a moment and think of three or four people that you would want to lean on during hard times. In all likelihood, they’re the same people who have turned to you during their own rough patches. They will be the ones you can rely on if you allow yourself to.

Grief is always worse when you’re alone so it’s crucial that you don’t give in to the temptation to try and battle through this by yourself. Instead, open up to your friends, tell them what you’re going through, and ask for help. Sometimes the help you need is as simple as a kind and listening ear and sometimes it’s a bit more complicated than that. The tough truth is that sometimes no help can be given and nothing will make you feel better. But you won’t know until you try.

When grief strikes, open up. Reach out to others. Tell them that you’re going through many deep emotions, and may not act like your “regular self”; you might sound confused, contradictory, or even short-tempered. You’re going through something and you don’t want to do it alone. Any friend worth their salt will be there for you, even if there’s actually nothing they can really do to help.

Finally, it’s important that you keep some sort of normalcy in your life when you’re traversing the tricky landscape of grief. Now, don’t expect too much of yourself. You may not want to be running a mile a day or helping friends move or taking on new tasks at work during this period but you can do some things that feel normal, or at least as normal as possible.

After a period of rest, let yourself get back to work. Inform your bosses and co-workers of what you’re going through so they know you might not be 100%, but be present and try your hardest to contribute. Yes, you might feel like you’re just going through the motions but, soon, you’ll find some enjoyment coming back into your life. You’ll be interacting with others and feeling productive and the idea of a normal life won’t feel so far out of reach.

Above all else, patience is key. It’s not patience for others that you should be concerned with. Instead, it’s patience for yourself. This isn’t easy. It doesn’t matter why you’re grieving, the bottom line is that it can be difficult. And if you are demanding too much of yourself or attempting to rush through all the steps of properly grieving, you’ll only make matters worse. If you don’t feel as good as you wanted or expected, take a second breath and give yourself grace. You’re getting through this and the timetable might not always look how you want it to.

Billions of other people have been here and they have gotten through it. You can too. Living your life as you grieve is possible. Is it easy? Well, not always. But your life has been a series of you getting through things, both good and bad. You have done it before and you can absolutely do it again.