Our parents do not need to be biological to be considered “mother” and “father”. Our parents can be both biological or non-biological, and still mean the world to us. With that being said losing a parent can accompany a myriad of emotions, feelings, and grief.
Many people assume they will watch their parents grow old gracefully and pass of natural causes, but this is not always the case. Regardless of sudden parental loss or natural parental loss from old age, it is all just devastating, heartbreaking, and very confusing.
It is totally natural to feel helplessness, guilt, regret, loss of unconditional love, anger, relief, a sense of depersonalization, and even a combination of these. While the complexities of parental grief may be vast and all-encompassing, some valuable tips can help you navigate the grief you may be experiencing.
Acknowledge the scope of this loss:
Your parent is someone you have known for your entire life and this does make things harder. It is vital to fully acknowledge and comprehend exactly how horrendous this particular loss is.
Be prepared to go through the various stages of grief:
These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Each stage of grief has its challenges, and you may feel more than one at the same time.
Denial:
You may be in complete shock and disbelief. It is very common to feel like they are not gone and they will soon come back home.
Anger:
Please know that feeling anger is completely normal. This can range from mild anger to full-blown intense anger, and everything in between.
Bargaining:
You may be desperate to undo the passing of your beloved parent. Typically, in this stage, you could go through scenarios in your head where you promise to do anything for this not to be real or for your parent to come back.
Depression:
Going into depression is normal. It does not matter if you have suffered from depression in the past or not. The degree of this depression may vary, and it can become debilitating.
Acceptance:
Finally, you will get to a stage where you feel acceptance. This is the phase where you can acknowledge that your parent is gone but still be happy that you shared the memories that you did together. This phase can take years to get to. It differs from person to person.
Allow yourself time to grieve:
Give yourself the time and the space to grieve this huge loss. Know that it will take time, it won’t happen overnight. The key is to give yourself full permission to go through the stages of grief. In doing so remember to be kind and gentle to number one.
Take care of yourself no matter what:
When you lose a parent, your whole world may fall apart and you may find it difficult to sleep, wash, get dressed, exercise and even eat correctly. The truth is that it is now more important than ever before to truly take care of yourself. This may be a struggle and you may need to completely force it.
See friends and family:
Whatever you do, don’t allow yourself to isolate. Make plans to see your friends and family, rather than have people around you that care. You may not feel like seeing them at all and even wonder what the point is considering you more than likely, won’t be able to focus on things people are saying in conversations. Despite the grief you are feeling, allow the people around you to step in. You could let them know you are not feeling up to regular outings but you would still like them to be around you even if you are terrible company right now.
Celebrate birthdays, milestones, and holidays:
Especially in the beginning, you may not want to celebrate anything. They may have been the ones that have always made these days special. Go ahead and celebrate all the holidays, birthdays, and milestones. You can do it in their honor and know that they would have wanted you to keep celebrating. It may be particularly hard on the anniversary of your parent’s death and the day that would have been their birthday. On these days reach out to friends and family, and you can even consider doing something great and celebrating their life and beautiful memories.
Talk to a professional:
Talking to an objective third party who is trained in grief, may be just what you need to navigate your grief in healthy ways. A licensed expert could help you make sense of your loss.
The reality is that losing a parent may be the hardest life event that happens to you. Trust the process, and know you will always have the precious time and memories that you shared.
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