Grief has often been compared to the sea. Some days the waves crash all around you, requiring you to fight to survive. Other days the sea is choppy, and though it’s hard, you can get by. There are also times when the sea is calm, and even if only for a little while, you can take a moment to breathe.
Navigating these waves of grief throughout the different seasons of our lives can be difficult. My family is facing one of our choppier seasons right now. Next month, our oldest daughter would have been graduating from high school. Instead of celebrating we will be preparing for the eighth anniversary of her death. Some days, we have the strength to get through our days—while other days it is a constant struggle to keep our minds focused on anything other than what it might look like to see her walking across a stage and receiving her high school diploma.
You might be in a similar stage of life. Getting through those waves can be tough. Learning to do it repeatedly can be exhausting. Despite this, it’s important to remember that it is possible. The ways in which we’ve navigated haven’t always been the same but a couple of things have remained constant.
Don’t Deny the Pain
Some people get through their hard times by refusing to acknowledge their pain. In our experience, this has never been a healthy way to find healing. When waves of grief come, we have consistently allowed ourselves to acknowledge, feel, and accept the pain.
Sometimes this means letting tears flow as we scrub the bathroom sink or mow the lawn. Other times it might mean throwing ourselves into a creative endeavor. Sometimes getting through the day is all we can manage.
I remember a time when our daughter was in the pediatric intensive care unit. We had just been told it was going to become mandatory for family members to suit up in full isolation garb every time they visited the unit. This was to include a gown, gloves, mask, and other protective items.
In my already-existing emotional turmoil, I broke down.
Later, a nurse pulled me aside and told me it was okay to have a breakdown, but it was important that I not allow myself to unpack and live there. I took her words to heart, and they helped.
Don’t deny your pain, but also don’t allow yourself to live there forever.
Do Listen to the Words of Others
For those who have a support system, it is important to hear the advice of those who love us. At one point, the waves of grief pushed me far below the surface of the water. Not only had I not come up for air, but I was beginning to wallow in the depths of self-pity and despair.
A beloved friend warned me that I was entering dangerous territory. He said that if my goal was to get through my grief in a healthy way, and to still be there for my other daughter, then I needed to make some changes.
While it may have seemed acceptable to anyone on the outside for me to remain in my pain, those who loved me most felt compelled to tell me I could do better. Likewise, I might have become offended and sunk lower into the depths of grief. Instead, I listened to the words of someone who loved me, and I fortified my resolve to make changes. Types of change might look different for everyone, but in my case, I had to train my mind to stop comparing my pain to everyone else’s. I had to replace those thoughts with healthy ones.
For those without a support system to offer help, it is beneficial to find someone to whom you can speak freely. Find a support group, a grief counselor, or a therapist.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
Vicki Harrison
Waves in the sea—and waves of grief—are unpredictable. While we could easily anticipate the incoming waves as we approached this year’s graduation season, there have been other times when they struck out of the blue. Finding solid ground by allowing ourselves to acknowledge our pain as well as listening to the advice of loved ones has gone a long way toward helping us navigate those waves. I encourage other grieving families to find their own solid ground by adapting these steps to their needs and routines, and I wish healing for all.
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