The Dangers of Platitudes When it Comes to Grief

“Your mom would want you to be happy.”

I heard this a lot while navigating the new world that existed without my mom. Of course, my mom would want me to be happy, but ask me how much control I had over how I felt at the time. If navigating this grief could be fixed by something simple as embracing joy instead of sadness, I would have done it. But I couldn’t – and that’s why being told, time and again, that my mom would have preferred me in the opposite state I was in was so hurtful.

This is an example of a platitude and when it comes to grief, they can be incredibly dangerous. Why? Because, though designed to be helpful, they tend to dismiss the griever’s feelings.

What is a Platitude?

A platitude is a well-intended, but often meaningless turn of phrase said to comfort the recipient while simultaneously squelching uncomfortable situations. Since there are few situations more uncomfortable than death, platitudes are often used as a means of saying something that sounds thoughtful without having to put much effort into the words.

That’s why at funerals and in the weeks or months following a death, loved ones left behind are often told that “Everything happens for a reason” as a means to justify the loss. It’s meant to bring comfort, but in reality, all it does is bring pain.

What Are the Most Common Platitudes Said After the Loss of a Loved One?

It would be impossible to list all of the platitudes said after the loss of a loved one, but here are six of the most common:

• At least they are no longer suffering and/or in pain
• They’re in a better place
• Time heals all wounds
• It was in God’s plans/God needed them more than you
• They wouldn’t want you to be sad/feeling this way
• This loss/what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger

Why Are Platitudes Bad?

If you’ve lost someone close to you, chances are you’ve heard all six of these platitudes, if not more. You may have even said some of them yourself because they’re things that, as a society, you’ve been brought up and accustomed to say in times of unease.

However, platitudes in general, can be harmful to those on the receiving end for the following reasons:

They’re Dismissive

The primary downside of platitudes is that they tend to dismiss the grieving person’s feelings. Let’s take one of the common platitudes mentioned above: They’re in a better place. Even if you take religion out of it, why would a grieving son or wife want to hear that their loved one is better off somewhere without them? That’s not the intent behind that platitude, but it is how the griever perceives it.

Let’s take another example: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. When said, the grieving person might ask, “Why did I have to learn this lesson?” or “Did my loved one have to die for me to be strong? Wasn’t I strong in other ways?”

No one who loses a loved one wants to reap a lesson from it, which is exactly what platitudes are designed to do. Instead, all the griever wants is to express how they feel, but because expressions like these make other people uncomfortable, it perpetuates the cycle of platitudes.

They Exist to Make the Other Person More Comfortable

After a close friend, relative, or co-worker suffers a loss, most people struggle with understanding how to react, particularly as it correlates with what they should say. As such, the common platitudes mentioned above become a reliable go-to when they find themselves on the other end of a conversation with a person who’s grieving.

Most people on the other end of these conversations don’t want to take the time out to 1.) learn about the proper way to respond to grief, 2.) have never experienced a significant loss so they struggle to understand the severity of it.) or 3.) don’t like the feelings of unease that stem from being helpless.

They May Not Align With the Grieving Person’s Personal Beliefs

Another reason why platitudes are bad is because, as the example above shows, they may sometimes tout religious beliefs that aren’t shared amongst parties.

While this may not be a huge sticking point if said sparingly, over time, grieving people may get annoyed with the constant justification that a higher power wanted or needed their loved one more than they did. A widowed parent of three small kids may argue otherwise, as would a husband of 45 years who built his life with his significant other.

On top of all that, faith-based platitudes may just make the recipient uncomfortable if they are of a different faith or a non-practitioner. Making someone who is already dealing with so much, feel more uncomfortable doesn’t help them. All it does is give them one less person to confide in – and when someone is grieving, they need all the loving support they can get.

Platitudes Aren’t Helpful and They Can Make Grieving Children, Parents, and Friends Feel More Alone

No one experiencing such heartache has ever benefited from hearing that the loved one they miss and want back so much is better off not being here because they were suffering. As Dr. Maryam Mostoufi points out in her article about the harms of platitudes, “…if you know someone well enough to go to their visitation or funeral, chances are you know them well enough to do or say something meaningful.” No truer words have been spoken.