And just like that, I was a single parent
Whether by choice or not, the sheer overwhelm can take over on most days as you navigate life as a single parent. Between sleepless nights, working full time, budget restraints and managing it all alone- the gravity of being a single parent can be utterly exhausting!
Single parenthood found me failing at every portion of my life. I could never be 100% at home nor 100% at work, even when I found myself alone I could not commit to what I wanted to do with my few hours of free time. I found myself barely hanging on- even an hour felt like an eternity some days. The life I had dreamed of and worked towards raising kids in a two-parent family now felt lonely and isolating being on my own. I had to grieve what I thought my future was going to be while figuring out what worked now. I had wanted to be a parent but never imagined doing it on my own. Questions from my children that I didn’t even have the answers to further increased my new insecurity.
Between sleepless nights, increased needs, and nobody to help- I gritted my way through most days waiting for it to get better. But as life goes on, seasons do change, a growing toddler letting me sleep (best cuddled nights), daycare turned into school drop off and I had worked long enough to gain some security for those days I didn’t show up as my best self. Without adequate support, finding yourself on your own, parenting a little human can be daunting.
Suddenly finding what was once joyful in becoming a parent, became a daily battlefield of mixed emotions and navigating chaos to find new normalcy. The sheer gravity of my own decisions in this tiny human’s life was palpable. As a single parent, I had to gain new skills and regain the confidence lost. I had to grieve who I was and shift my mindset towards who I could become and what I could accomplish on my own. I needed to learn how to not just survive but how to thrive and enjoy being a single parent on my terms.
Take breaks where you can
Yes, it is a season. Seasons change, babies start to sleep through the night and turn to teenagers keeping you up for their late nights instead. Life ebbs and flows and learning to rest in those flows creates less resistance.
Take breaks where you can! If you don’t have a support system or somebody to give you a break here and there, built-in self-breaks will save your life!
Take a look at your schedule and determine where can you build in consistent times to recharge and take care of yourself. If your baby takes a nap every afternoon, rather than hop onto your next to-do list, consider a power nap – because your well-being is just as important as anything else you could do at that time.
If your friend offers to watch your kids and have a play date for 2 hours, accept the help, be thankful and use that time for what you need. Instead of sitting down with your laptop to respond to the never-ending email list, take time for yourself- read that self-help book that you feel may support your growth or watch a movie, just because.
That book or movie may indeed shift your perspective when you are at your wit’s end and help you try something new that works when your kid is having a meltdown after your 40-hour work week. Speaking of the 40-hour work week, being a single/solo parent without a job outside the home may be even more overwhelming and exhausting because those breaks are much less structured.
Be mindful about how you can adjust for a more flexible schedule throughout your day. Remember, taking a break, regardless of what needs to be done, maybe the very thing to recharge you and support a happy healthier home. The most important job of navigating a change in parenting is to find the support you both need, for you and your kids, to further your emotional journey. It begins with self-care and that includes taking breaks. Trust me, the laundry can wait sometimes.
Talk to someone OR listen to someone
It’s hard to find time to connect with other people when you are drowning in the single or solo parenting life. Time passes and you think, I can’t call that person, it’s been too long. I don’t have time for coffee with her, I have too much to do. It is normal to have a mix of feelings as you navigate this new domain.
Sometimes, we can be self-critical when it comes to feelings of judgment and shame. You may think they can’t possibly understand, they have help in parenting. It may feel easier to just be quiet and get through the day on your own. It’s important to reach out and tell your friends that you are not okay, or reach out for the support you need. Often people don’t know how to help, even if they want to, unless you share what you need.
Sometimes it’s one thing that creates a spark in you, like learning how to meditate consistently or meeting a new friend that makes you laugh. You can hear the same advice over and over until that one time it resonates and changes your view in an instant.
While single or solo parenting is your most important role, so is remembering that you are still you outside of your child. Hearing or talking to someone can give you an anchor, a new direction, a reminder of that old sense of you. You remember what it feels like to laugh or the release of a good cry. It reminds you there was a season in life before kids and that one day there will be a season when your kids will be grown. Take the call when you don’t want to share your shame or cry with a friend who took the time to stop by. These small interactions remind you that you are not alone.
Listening to other people helps too- you don’t even have to know them! Podcasts saved me on the daily! The internet is full of anything you need to find. The day you can’t breathe and want to give up, there is a podcast or article for breathing and meditation to get you from hour to hour.
Do you need ideas on what to do for free with a toddler? An online search in your area gives you lists of a hundred things to do. And when you find yourself having a little more capacity to try harder today, the person on the other side of the podcast becomes your new best friend, challenging you to dig deeper and remember you can live your life any way you want and create a beautiful life parenting on your terms.
Be Still…don’t wish this time away.
Being a parent is hard- if you find yourself doing it alone, it may feel like it never ends most days. My biggest lesson is that the saying “life is short” is true. Learning to be still in the moment you are in makes it manageable but even more than that, it makes it sweeter.
The sweet mid-day nap with your little one, the funny random questions from your toddler that remind you of life’s wonders, the unexpected laughs, the smile that lights you up, the unexpected hug from your child who is now a teenager. Really at the end of the day, isn’t that the whole reason we wanted to be a parent in the first place?
As quickly as you wish the days to hurry, learning to be “in it” and accept it, helps to create a calmness. Stillness can come in the form of meditating with a small child in your lap in the morning hours, lavender baths filled with music, and power walks replaced by walks with a motivating podcast while your kiddo trails behind you on their bike.
You can calm your soul by slowing down, stopping resisting and learning to fully embrace that THIS is the parenting season you are in.
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