“I don’t know what to do with all the love I have for her. I don’t know where to put it now.”
These poignant lines from the 2016 miniseries Fleabag encapsulate one of the biggest hurdles of grief. Many describe grief itself as the inability to channel all the emotions you feel, both as the result of a loved one’s passing and the feelings you still harbour for them. As Fleabag says, she doesn’t know where to put the love she feels for her mom now that she’s gone.
One method of coping with grief that is often overlooked is paying the love for the ones you’ve lost forward through acts of kindness, empathy, compassion, altruism…however you want to word it. Not only can practicing kindness help you heal, but it’s also a way to pay homage to your loved one.
Why Can Practicing Kindness While Grieving Feel So Hard?
A friend once shared a powerful vignette about the ruthless passage of time amidst death: when his fellow soldier lay bloody and motionless at his post in Iraq following a lethal explosion, his eyes locked on the soldier’s wristwatch, whose hands counted the passing seconds, unfazed by its owner’s lifeless state.
The world doesn’t pause for your grief, and the relentless continuation of daily life can feel extraordinarily frustrating. It might seem impossible to extend kindness when you are enveloped in sorrow. When you watch as happy strangers pass by, oblivious to your pain.
However, the unjust conditions of life beckon for more acts of kindness, more love. Acts of kindness can serve as a lifeline for you to find moments of peace and purpose amidst the chaos. Grief can be incredibly isolating, but by engaging in these acts, you can break down the walls of isolation and let healing light into your inner world.
Therapeutic Benefits of Kindness Amidst Grief
Practicing acts of kindness isn’t just morally rewarding—there are tangible biological benefits as well. Research shows that practicing compassion, toward yourself and others, increases your ability to tolerate distress and maintain focus.
Furthermore, engaging in compassionate activities also releases oxytocin, aka the “love hormone,” which helps reduce stress and promote feelings of well-being. This biological response can be particularly beneficial during periods of intense grief, providing a natural counterbalance to feelings of despair.
4 Ways to Foster Kindness While Grieving
Volunteer
Volunteering for an organization in need is a win-win in any scenario. You get to contribute to an important cause, find purpose, make connections with people, and channel that displaced love you may be feeling. It can be even more therapeutic if you’re supporting a cause that was close to your loved one’s heart. Whether it’s supporting environmental efforts, animal welfare, the arts, or social justice initiatives, aligning your efforts with their passions provides a way to honour their values.
Perform Random Acts of Kindness
In the hours that you feel angry at the world, try juxtaposing it with random acts of kindness. Hold the door open for someone. Pay for a stranger’s coffee. Bake muffins for your co-workers. Offer to carry an elderly neighbour’s groceries inside. Leave a kind comment under a friend’s post. Send a loved one a postcard.
Join a Support Group
Connecting with others who are also grieving can be a source of comfort and a way to foster empathy and understanding. Not only will you be able to experience the catharsis of sharing your own story, but you’ll also gain insight into the plight of others in similar positions.
Create a Memorial Project
Similar to volunteering, memorial projects are another way to honour your loved one’s values and passions while paying it forward to your community or other loved ones. Memorial projects can come in the form of planting a garden, starting a scholarship fund, organizing a fundraiser for a cause close to their heart, or building a scrapbook of memories.
Final Takeaways for Practicing Kindness While Grieving
Being kind in the throes of grief can be superbly challenging, and yet, there are no downsides. By engaging in various acts of kindness, including volunteering, random acts of kindness, joining a support group, or kickstarting a memorial project, you give yourself a healthy and constructive channel for your own healing while injecting more love into the world.
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