Grief. It’s a small, yet heavy word that forever changes the very core of who we are. When you return to work after experiencing a loss, the weight of grief can feel even more crushing as you try to settle back into a familiar routine. The typical day you once enjoyed may suddenly feel unrecognizable or even less meaningful. You might struggle to concentrate, feel overwhelmed with a wave of emotions, or simply not feel like yourself at work anymore. It can feel as if the person who excelled at their job before has vanished and has been replaced by a stranger grappling with a profound sense of loss. But here’s what you should know: grief changes us, and that’s perfectly normal.
You’re doing the best you can with what you have.
Here are four things I wish I had known about grief at work:
Grief changes over time
Whether it’s been a year or just a few weeks, grief can take time to reveal itself fully. When you return to work after experiencing a loss, you may still be in a state of shock, disbelief, or denial about what happened. You might find it difficult to return to the work “you” that you knew right before your loss. I’ve felt that way too. After my mother passed in 2023, I struggled with getting out of bed, had concentration issues, and was error-prone in my personal life. I felt depressed and simply couldn’t fathom how I was ever going to return to work. I worried that I wouldn’t be “me” again. You may be feeling this way today, and if so, know that coping with grief doesn’t mean what makes you special is lost. Grief can last longer than you expect, and needing time to heal and find yourself again is normal.
So, if you are grieving, start slow if you can.
This may mean taking a lighter schedule, taking on less work, or pausing getting involved in optional projects at work. Consider your personal situation at your current job and if possible, decide on one small decision that can make work lighter during your work week.
Work can be triggering
While focusing on work can sometimes offer a welcome escape, reminders of your loss, or grief triggers, can make it difficult to concentrate. Reminders, big or small, can trigger waves of emotion and pull you away from what you’re doing. Grief is life-changing and it will continue to ask of you to be gentle with yourself even after time has passed. Try to acknowledge your full range of emotions and give yourself enough space and time to grieve.
Don’t be so hard on yourself
You may be thinking “No one will understand my pain” or “I don’t want to talk about it and ruin everyone’s mood.” While these are both common thoughts we can have during grief both inside and outside of the workplace, they leave out the fact that human beings are capable of empathy and compassion. When we are grieving, gentleness, compassion, and understanding are exactly what we need to process our grief. Bottling it up due to the fear of not being understood, or worry that you’ll ruin the mood at work is normal. And truthfully, you don’t have to say or do anything you aren’t ready for or comfortable with. But if the time comes and you want to, try to open up to a trusted colleague or friend. Let the people who care about you surprise you in amazing ways.
Sometimes it may even be someone you currently work with.
There is support available
If you don’t have someone that you trust at work, that’s okay too. There are plenty other ways to build a support network that fits your comfort level and privacy needs:
Mental health specialists
A mental health counselor or therapist can be the safe-space if you need to talk about how you are feeling. They help to build the coping skills to process your emotions in a way that benefits you. If you’re wondering what options you have available with your current insurance plan, it is a good idea to contact your insurance provider. Your employer may also offer behavioral health benefits through employee assistance programs, or EAPs. These programs typically offer mental health therapy or short-term counseling for free or at a lower price. If you are considering a provider or program, be sure to review your options to make sure it is the right fit for your needs.
Friends and family
Grief at work doesn’t stop when the workday is over. So, making time to connect with people outside of work when you are ready can also help. This could be more time with friends, family, or even meeting others in your local community at activities or events. A quick call with a loved one can help give you the strength you need to get through the work week. When I was processing the grief of losing my mother, I leaned on my partner whenever I could. I also leaned on my friends. All the phone calls made a difference and for that, I cannot thank them enough. Even a simple “I’m going through a tough time right now” can open the door to understanding and support.Whichever route of support you decide to take, don’t feel pressured to share more details than you feel comfortable with or pretend like your loss never happened. It’s okay to set boundaries with others if you need some space.
Remember, you’re doing the best that you possibly can. And that means something. If you are currently struggling with grief at work, it may be helpful to explore options for additional time off if it’s available. More time off may be what your mind and body needs to give yourself more time to process.
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