Rebuilding Intimacy After the Loss of a Partner

Losing a partner can be one of the most devastating griefs one can experience. Surprisingly, it’s quite common that when older adults lose a spouse, they die shortly after. Researchers have called this the “widowhood effect” and they have discovered that after losing a spouse, “people had a 66% increased mortality risk within the first 90 days” (2023). 

Due to this, it is important to continue to live a fulfilling life after loss by finding joy in new relationships, rebuilding friendships, or cultivating intimacy with yourself. As this can be a rather difficult and guilt-ridden process, let’s talk about some ways a person can navigate this.

Processing Through Your Grief

Sometimes forming new relationships or rebuilding them after a loss can feel like you are doing something wrong. You might feel guilt over what the deceased would want, or you can feel like you are betraying them in some way by experiencing joy. If this sounds familiar to you, please know that it is a very normal experience common with grief and you may need to look at how to further process how you are feeling.

Make space for these emotions by journaling, talking to a friend, or speaking with a therapist. However, I would also remind you that feelings are not facts. Just because you feel guilt, does not mean that you are doing something wrong. Is there a way for you to feel this emotion and not allow it to become a barrier to rebuilding?

What is Intimacy Anyway?

Intimacy can often be thought of as romantic or sexual, but it is so much more than that. You can experience intimate moments with a friend when you become vulnerable and open up during conversation. You can experience intimate moments with yourself when you make space to be alone, to allow yourself to grieve, or to try something new. Intimacy is really just the feeling of closeness and it goes beyond romantic connections.

So, when we discuss how to rebuild intimate relationships, it can be helpful to think of who you want to form an intimate relationship with. Have your current relationships lost this component? Or are you looking to build it with someone new? You could also be wanting to find this again within yourself. No matter where you are looking to build or rebuild intimacy, it all begins with taking a first step.

How to Take a First Step Towards Intimacy

When thinking about rebuilding relationships, friendships, and intimacy, remember that you don’t need to dive right into it. This part of life will be a process and I invite you to think of it as less of a dive into the deep end, and more of a dipping a toe into the shallow end. If you are keen on opening yourself up to more or different intimacy, I would first ask how you will determine when you are ready.

One of the ways you could measure this is by how often you find yourself seeking support or togetherness.

• Are you reaching out to friends more or hoping someone will connect with you?
• Are you people-watching and feeling curious about others’ interactions, relationships, and lives?

These might be some indicators that you want to rebuild.

The next step is dipping your toe in to figure out where you feel most comfortable. If you feel closest or safest with a friend, you may ask them to spend more quality time together, even if it’s just surface level at the beginning. Remember: you do not have to jump into the deep end. 

As you continue to spend time with this same friend, at the second (or third or fourth or fifth) gathering, you might choose to share with them that you are working on rebuilding intimacy. You might also share something vulnerable with them, such as the grief you are experiencing or what it’s been like to rebuild. While this process is not easy, it can become easier with more practice. It is important to remind yourself that human connection is essential to life.  

As you progress in the areas where you feel safe, you may be open to taking a bigger step like talking to someone new. For example, if you see a person who catches your eye, is it possible to simply say hello? As you grow more comfortable in these interactions, you can enhance your conversation, what you share, and what you do with this person.

Maintaining Intimacy Through Grief

Because grief is never a linear process, and because it often doesn’t end or go away, you might find yourself continuing to navigate loss while you rebuild intimacy in your relationships. Do not let this emotion deter you, rather, continue to make space for it and know that it is okay to feel.

As Marissa Renee Lee says, “Expect that maintaining or building any intimate relationship after your loss requires some degree of shared grieving” (Lee, 2023). What the author is trying to say is that to rebuild, you must allow someone else into your grief, or your process, so that they can non-judgmentally and actively support you. 

Humans are complex beings that can hold onto many emotions paradoxically. You can experience both joy in a new relationship and sadness or guilt from a previous one. They do not cancel each other out, nor do they mean anything about you as an individual. If you can continue to hold space for both, you can stay fulfilled and find great joy in the newfound intimacy that you have built.