Supporting a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder Through Grief

Grieving the loss of a loved one is an inherently tumultuous experience, but for folks with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), grief can feel like an unending challenge rife with extremities. BPD is characterized by intense emotional responses, fear of abandonment, and difficulty maintaining relationships, which can all intensify during times of grief. As a partner of someone with BPD, how can you effectively support them through their period of mourning?

How BPD Complicates Grief

The primary characteristic of BPD is difficulty or total inability to manage your emotions, which you already experience more intensely than the average person and for longer durations. Consequently, folks with BPD have the propensity to engage in impulsive and self-destructive behaviours during crisis periods, either in an effort to amend them or as the result of an utterly chaotic emotional state. Bursts of rage, threats of self-harm, suicide attempts, and substance abuse are just a handful of detrimental behaviours that may arise when someone with Borderline feels like external circumstances are outside their control. The death of a loved one is an event intrinsically out of anyone’s control, but for someone with BPD, the death of a loved one can trigger intense feelings of being abandoned. This combination of heightened emotions and a fear of abandonment complicates the grieving process significantly.

How to Support Your Partner with BPD Who is Grieving

Be Patient

Patience is key when supporting a partner with BPD through grief. Their emotions may be more intense and prolonged, which can be challenging and exhausting for both of you. Understand that their experience of grief is magnified relative to the average person, and they may need more time to understand and process their feelings. Avoid rushing them through their emotions or expecting them to follow a “typical” timeline of grief (though, there is no real timeline of grief.)

Encourage Healthy Coping Mechanisms

As previously mentioned, people with BPD tend to engage in impulsive and self-destructive behaviours during times of crisis. If you sense that your partner is falling down a destructive pathway, try gently redirecting them to healthier coping mechanisms. This might include journaling, exercising, working on creative projects, spending time in nature, or doing something you know they enjoy. Encourage them to channel their emotions in ways that feel safe and avoid enabling unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance abuse or self-harm.

Help Them Seek Professional Support

Whether you have BPD or not, support from friends and family may not be enough during mourning periods, and that’s perfectly okay. Encourage your partner to seek Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, a therapeutic intervention designed for folks with BPD, or a therapist who specializes in BPD and grief. This may be especially useful for accessing coping mechanisms from the Distress Tolerance Manual, which inhibits a tendency toward destructive behaviours during acute times of stress.

Set Boundaries

Navigating boundary-setting can be an understandably tricky and sensitive endeavour when you’re supporting a grieving partner. However, as the partner of someone with BPD, it’s important to set boundaries in the midst of being supportive to avoid burnout. Understand your emotional limits and communicate them to your partner. Boundaries, for instance, can include designated time for your own self-care. If you’re unsure of how to navigate setting boundaries with your partner or identifying your own emotional needs during this time, try finding a therapist to mediate the situation or offer advice.

Takeaways for Supporting a Grieving Partner with BPD

Supporting a partner with Borderline Personality Disorder through grief is not an easy feat, but paramount. By understanding how BPD complicates grief and employing strategies to support them, you can help your partner navigate this difficult time sans destructive coping mechanisms. Patience, encouragement, professional support, and boundaries are essential for providing the support they need while ensuring your own mental and emotional well-being as well.